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Part 6, True Listening
The Universal practice
Listening in the context of the modern world …
The modern world has gotten to the point where “my point of view” is not only just one point of view, but as the correct and true way of seeing things. We often feel so empowered in our judgment that we assume we have become gods incarnate. Often we refuse to even listen to any other point of view. This modern self is a huge detriment to us and to society. In your everyday practice, you should consciously refrain from falling into this trap. Listening is a powerful method that you can employ. Guan Yin Bodhisattva operates within this one single intention of listening—the method of listening deeply and patiently to the sounds of the world. Granted, we are not Bodhisattvas, but we can try to replicate Guan Yin to a degree.
This is not an abstract thing. You can start with the people with whom you already have karmic connections. When someone says something to you, try to drop all the built-in reactions that initially surface, whether they originate from your own fatigue, your familiarity with that person, your perception of their differing viewpoints and what the “right” viewpoint is, or just simply your dislike for them. By gaining that few extra seconds of non-response to the reactions that you have, you gain some freedom and stop yourself from falling into the same patterns over and over again. In fact, this always helps in defusing a volatile situation and in facilitating a good start to any conversation. If your reaction is not there, then that person has nowhere to strike.
Next, try to patiently listen to people from their context and then try to meet them from within that context. If you are sincere when you listen, then you will have no problems in relationships. Why? Because most people have never been really listened to before! Modern day relationships are mostly about an exchange of needs. If you look at your relationships closely, they are really your interpretations of someone’s actions as related to your needs—be it money, looks, security, or companionship. We have extremely limited expectations of each other on a deep and profound level. There is very little real listening going on beneath the surface reality. If you develop this skill, not only will you find that the galaxy of people around you change over time, the relationships that you are in will also become richer and more fulfilling.
Listening leads to compassion …
You can also look at this method as having the patience to engage in deep listening to the cause and effect of anything. This gives rise to caring, and ultimately, compassion. Compassion is the ability to listen to someone else from within their context without your own needs and interpretations filtering out what they are saying. It is a neutral emotion and is not attached to anything—be it prejudice, passion, or jealousy, to name a few. When you have true compassion you come to understand the world around you as an extension of yourself. For example, when you hear of people who are in a serious accident, you will experience empathy for those people just as if they were your own relatives. Practicing this method of listening patiently and deeply is the beginning of the process of self-awareness that will lead you to that state of having true compassion for other people.
Listening past the “system” …
The practice of listening is most difficult when we are faced with someone whom we are already close to, such as our parents. With them, there is already a system in place in both our mind and their minds, and it is hard to listen past that system. There is already a non-listening to begin with because the rules of interaction are dictated by that system. This is often the root cause of frustration when children and parents communicate. From their end, our parents have picked up this caricature of us when we were children and still try to communicate with us as that caricature rather than as the person that we are now. From our end, our initial reactions of frustration at being treated as this caricature never truly get straightened out and over time we switch to a non-listening mode. The only chance of finding any platform of communication and of meeting our parents’ real needs, desires, fears, and inner emotions is through listening patiently and deeply to them and then communicating with them from their context. It is the only method of resolving and ultimately enriching our relationship with them.
Listening past the “manipulation” …
The root causes of problems in relationships are often what most people would see as positive aspects—for example, the sexual aspect of a relationship. This is because there is often manipulation behind the positives that may be hard to see through. When you listen, pay close attention to the subtle dynamics, especially those that are positive and alluring. It is easy to see the negative elements of a relationship because you react negatively to them, but you may not be as aware when someone is using a strategy to allure you. On the one hand, a relationship might be a real expression of love, yet behind that expression may be a manipulation in order to get love in return (or some other objective). There is often an imbalance and lack of communication around the most powerful positive elements in relationships. So when you practice listening you should also pay close attention to these elements.
